I recently heard John Bryson at Advance13, and was both challenged and enriched by what he had to say about authentic manhood. Below are a few excerpts from his “33” series:
“Cowards and critics are guys who are condescending to those who don’t adhere to their moral checklist. They define themselves often by what they don’t do. They take pride in the fact that they don’t get drunk, do drugs, or watch questionable movies. These are the kind of guys who have destroyed the credibility of many churches.
Because underneath, many of them are really cowards and critics. And often, these guys are quick to criticize others but are unwilling to be courageous themselves. They’re too scared to make a decision, but they love criticizing those who do.
According to one pastor, some of these guys are the same ones who are afraid to declare a major in college; they are reluctant to embrace a purpose for their life; they hesitate to declare a theology; they won’t take any initiative, nor are they decisive. Some of these guys won’t even pursue a meaningful relationship with a woman because of their fear of rejection. This type of guy would rather criticize than create. They don’t have visions, they have anti-visions. They criticize the men who are attempting to be courageous. They criticize the men taking risks. They find the minor flaw in everyone and everything. Yet, they, themselves, aren’t courageous enough to take initiative with their own lives.”
“Jesus rejected passivity. You see more real manhood in Jesus in the manger than you do in Adam in the Garden. In the garden, Adam looks like a man but he responds like a little boy. Yet, in that manger, Jesus looks like a little boy but he is in fact demonstrating the essence of noble masculinity. By becoming human, Jesus took the initiative for the benefit others. He embraced humility and self-sacrifice to deal with the problem of our sin.”
“Unfortunately, since our society doesn’t promote a clear path to authentic manhood, it also doesn’t provide a clear pathway for an emotional break from mom. And that has left many men deeply entrenched or overly connected to mom. They have too much mom in their life. They can’t make a decision without her. They’ve got to talk to her on the phone all the time. They let her interfere with their marriage or family. They can’t tell her “no.” When something difficult comes up in life, they run home to mama to let her either comfort them, write the check, or whatever. Often it’s difficult for these men to fully identify and enter into the fraternity of manhood.”
“Men with a mother wound will often drift to one of two extremes in how they relate to women. They often become either dominant males or soft males.
If they are dominate males then they are too controlling towards women. They probably had an overly involved mom in the home and felt suffocated by her over control.
The problem is: that’s how they learned to relate to women. Now, they see all women as a possible threat to their independence. They fear intimacy. They fear that getting too close to a woman will result in giving up control. So a barrier remains up and often they marry a woman whom they can completely rule over. And anytime that woman expresses her rights or needs, he freaks out, becomes more controlling, and dominates. He has no category to allow her to simply express her rights, needs, and equality. He’s always on the defensive.
On the other hand we have the soft male. These guys become passive and submissive toward women. They lean way too much on their wives, expecting her to provide the way mom did. When looking for a wife, these guys are basically just pulling out a giant umbilical cord and looking to plug in somewhere. He’s looking for a mother-wife to care, lead, and provide for him.
He marries a stronger woman. In the day-to-day, when issues arise and decisions need to be made, he waits for her to initiate. He shuns risk taking. He has a hard time making decisions. Deep down, he wants her to make the decision. He wants her to be the warrior. He wants her to take the risks. His natural disposition is to be passive and submissive. At first, his wife thinks she is marrying a sensitive man. After time, however, she finds out he’s just being passive and it drives her crazy.”
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